Archive for forgivness

Why I didn’t dump him first…and what you could learn from me.

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2012 by sexandmiami

There were many times I wanted to break-up with my ex. I almost feel like I waited for him to do it, because I didn’t have it in me to hurt him. From his woe-is-me stories, he had been bullied in school his whole life. He never had any friends and he did not have a mom growing up, and his dad never showed him much love. He also just came home from the Army after serving in Iraq for 2 years and being dishonorable discharged for something he was very evasive about. I never did learn the whole story with that. I was all he had and he told me everyday. Can you say RED FLAG. Why I didn’t run as fast as I can still amazes me. Yes my head said RUN, but my heart said take care of him, help him he needs you.

This is a top 10 list of warning signs that were there, but that I chose to overlook for some reason I can’t even explain. When I think of these things, I should have ran as fast as I can and never looked back.

#1 THE SEX SUCKED! nuff said! When you want to experiment sexually with your guy and he says “baby that’s what sluts do” about anything sexual RUN and RUN fast. No man in love or otherwise will turn down any suggestion you have for sex trust me. Unless they are gay or bi or can only get turned on by fucking couples<—(this is a whole other story not for this post.)

#2 When he has no friends BIG RED FLAG because then you are suppose to have no friends either….duh RUN.

#3 When you go to get your tire changed and they discover a GPS device under your car. “Baby I put that there in case the car gets robbed” umm ok what are you Lojack! RUN

#4 He latches on to you like a tick on a labrador. When the guy can’t be without you it’s a RED FLAG, you may think its sweet at first, but trust me you will feel suffocated eventually.

#5 When he does not like your friends and he tolerates your family RUN as fast as you can.

#6 If he checks himself out in the mirror more than you RUN girl RUN.

#7 If he compares you to anybody. As in you can’t expect me to be as attracted to you as girls my age. Umm yeah I can we do live together.RUN  RUN RUN. After this one he threw himself on the floor and begged me not to leave him insisting that was not what he said!!

#8 He lets you pay his bills for him because he lost his job and seems to be fine with your offer to do so. It’s great to be able to afford to help the person you care about, but if they seem too comfortable like it was expected, RUN girl RUN.

#9 He thinks he is better looking and smarter then everybody else. Seriously you need to wake up and just RUN fast! When a man is conceded it is such a turnoff . It’s fine to joke around or to be confident, but when they really think they are the shizz, RUN girl RUN.

#10 If you find your guy flirting online at all GRAB HIS SHIT AND THROW IS ASS OUT THE DOOR, and then RUN!! When this happened he literally slept outside the door to prove how much he loved me. He begged me not leave him and stated I am not signing the divorce papers!… umm we only live together.

There were so many RED FLAGS these are just my top 10. At the end of the day I couldn’t break his heart, so I let him break mine instead.

The best part of all of this is anyone after him, and I mean anyone has been better than him 🙂

An Exercise in Forgivness…

Posted in Dating, Love Hate with tags , , , , , , , on August 25, 2012 by sexandmiami

A Definition of Forgiveness That We Can All Live With

Forgiveness. It’s such a hard thing to do, but it can be so liberating to the soul. What makes it difficult for most of us to do is the way we define it. We think of forgiveness as meaning that we should say all is forgotten and things will go back to what they were. This Biblical definition of forgiveness is very hard for most of us to swallow. How can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgivable? To enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, however, we needn’t go that far. All that’s really required is that we make the decision to move forward, to let go of the old hurts. We don’t have to condone what’s been done. What’s wrong is still wrong. We don’t have to invite the person back into our lives or even be friendly with them. What we do have to do is allow ourselves to release all the negative emotions associated with that person. As long as we hold onto the pain, we are choosing to allow that person’s past actions to continue to hurt us. We can also choose to stop letting them hurt us. That’s a definition of forgiveness that’s more doable for those of us who are less than saintly.

Here is an exercise you can do right now to let go of pain and begin to regain your life:

Make a list of those who have hurt you and how:

________________ hurt me by___________________________________________.

Now, go to a quiet place where you can be alone and think of each of these painful situations. Think of these in detail, allow yourself to feel the hurt. Then place yourself in the other person’s shoes. What do you think motivated them to behave the way they did? Were they abused themselves? Do they suffer from a mental illness? What fears and insecurities motivated their behavior? Now, think of how they are stealing your personal power. Does this make you angry? Do you want that to stop? Yes! Now, fill out this part of the exercise for each person on your list. Speak the words out loud as if you are speaking directly to them.

________________, I now understand why you behaved the way you did and I am sorry that you are so filled with pain that feel you must inflict it on others in order to regain your own power. I refuse, however, to let you hurt me anymore. I am choosing to let go of the pain you have caused me, for my own sake. I realize that letting go of this pain does not minimize or condone your bad behavior. It does, however, validate my own worth as a person and my right to finally be free of your abuse. I am choosing to take back my personal power so that I may heal. I now release all the hurtful emotions I feel regarding your behavior. I am now free to heal and move on. Only you will know when you have truly forgiven someone for the hurt and pain they have caused you. But this is something to think about.

How Do You Love?

Posted in Dating, Love Hate with tags , , , , , , , on August 17, 2012 by sexandmiami

“In life you’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words
at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should
judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.”
Nicholas Sparks

One thing I can say about me is when I do fall in love with someone I do so with every ounce of my being. I love whole heartedly. I have only been in love 3 times in my life. The 1st being high school. The 2nd my ex-husband of 12 years and the 3rd was the last man I loved he was younger than me we lived together for 2 years.  With each love I noticed I loved more than the last . I don’t know if this is just a coincidence or if this is how love works. We learn more as we go along we give more of ourselves with each one emotionally and sexually . Maybe the last one was so intense because it was his 1st real relationship where he lived with a woman.

I thought he loved me so much, that we were so great together. We were inseparable . We played together and we did a lot of silly things with each other . We lived by the beach and would get cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory and go sit in the lifeguard chairs at night on the beach and eat and look at the stars. Light fireworks for no reason just to see the pretty colors. Florida is cool like that you can buy fireworks all year long. We would turn our bed into a tent. We filled a walk-in closet with glow in the dark stars and would use it as our fort. lol to hang out and be close to each other. I thought we had such a strong connection, great chemistry. We were so playful together. Every time he came into the room I had butterflies every time he touched me. I never loved anyone that much before.  But none of that was real. It was all about him wanting, wanting me, a succesful older girl with a lot to offer. The way he loved me was overwhelming at times he was so intense so protective over me. I thought the jealousy was sweet sometimes. He became everything I wanted in a man ,so much that I would question if his feelings were true or an act. I think he did everything to please me so he could be part of my life and all that went along with it . However the universe knew how much I loved this man so it did what it does best. It tested the love and took away everything I had that was material. Funny thing happened, he told me he didn’t love me anymore and suddenly I was no longer “the one”. As quickly as he loved me was as quickly as he didn’t and I no longer existed to him. When I was about to need him the most he was gone.

I know all loves are different and that we learn lessons from each of them. The one thing I learned is you can’t bluff the universe .You can lie to yourself, but the universe will always make sure the truth is reveled.  So do you love for butterflies because I do.  Anything else is a waste of time.

So how do you love? Do you love for the right reasons?

Do you love for comfort?

Security?

For looks?

For money?

Or are you like me, do you love for that feeling the butterflies?

My 1st Blog Award. Thank you!!

Posted in Book Reviews, Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , on August 7, 2012 by sexandmiami

Thank you so much for this from my fellow blogger http://howtoonlinedate.wordpress.com . I feel so honored that people actually appreciate my rants . I am known to curse a lot…sometimes though I am working on it. I started this blog to vent originally about dating in Miami because trust me its like nowhere else I have ever witnessed before.. Howtodateonline nails it. There are the lazy sunnava bitches, The Bad Boy/douche bag , Soulful “artists” who cry when it rains and the Gorgeous Golddiggers. You know, the ones that tell you everything you want to hear as long as you pay for shit. My personal fav! Also to raise awareness of the narcissist sociopath. This guy will use you for everything you have. Let you believe you are soul-mates and then leave you with nothing in the blink of an eye without a drop of empathy. Wish I had known the signs years ago.  Like Carrie from SEX IN THE CITY . I am still searching for my Mr Big  Aidan. Welcome to SexinMiami baby, Miami the land of house music, hot clubs and the fake. Where everyone wants something for nothing . Thanks again Angie. 🙂 So without further ado.

I would like to nominate the following blogs.

http://mshaiq.wordpress.com I love what this chick stands for!

http://ummyeahah.wordpress.com this girl has gumption!

http://untilyouresafeandsound.wordpress.com love her honesty!

http://yourdailydoseblog.com music, photography, and she sings awesome!

http://thewiseoneoncesaid.com/ A very awesome advice blog from a therapist. God knows we all need one!

Here are the rules should you choose to accept:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog

2. Link back to the blogger who awarded you

3. Copy & Paste the award to your blog

4. Nominate 5 blogs that you enjoy to receive the award who have less than 200 followers

5. Inform them of their nomination by leaving a comment on their blog

Thank you all for following my rants and also helping me overcome my heart-break by sharing my story and the things that have helped me

become my old self again.It has been cathartic for me to say the least . Thank you guys 🙂

Believe you deserve it!

Posted in Dating, Love Hate with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2012 by sexandmiami

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out — ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and it’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining, and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it’s not always about you.

So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn’t weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown — or should never have bought into to begin with — and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.

You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and Not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. You learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that “alone” does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the Fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly okay . . . and that it is your right to want the things that you want, and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect — and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a mate who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch, and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for,and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and it is Okay to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears, Because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to Answer your prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state — the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of The simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God in you, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can. I believe I deserve love. I want love in my life and I want to be in love and feel love again. I can’t let one bad experience rob that from me forever. And if I felt that this was the love of my life than that can only mean that the next one will be even better because maybe this time the person will be true and real, and if they aren’t I will be able to tell before I jump in head first. At least I know I loved somebody with every ounce of my being, and though I may have many regrets about what happened, That is one thing I will never regret.

Sometimes it’s good to let it out…

Posted in Love Hate with tags , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by sexandmiami

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted.
Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world”
Hans Margolius

From road rage to kids taking guns to school, evidence of open anger in our society is everywhere. We find ourselves seeing what was until now the stuff of action films becoming reality all around us. Our very laws are changing to include treating children as criminal adults, given the awful consequences of their rage.

We don’t acknowledge that anger itself is worthy of our attention. We know we must deal with violence and physical abuse, but don’t acknowledge the everyday verbal abuse and emotional violence that tears into people’s self worth and their very souls.
Somehow we avoid mentioning how angry we are. Many of us are so accustomed to being proper that we do not even feel anger rising in us, until illness or explosion result.

After taking years of mental abuse most of which was aimed at my appearance. I can’t tell you what it feels like to be scrutinized on a daily basis to panic over gaining 10lbs . The way it was done was always with a disappointing comment. I think the one that scarred me the most was ” You can’t expect me to be as attracted to you as I am to girls younger than you”. It was that comment that killed something inside of me. When it finally ended, and all of the lies he told me for years came out, when I saw his true colors and looked a sociopath in the face for the first time…My rage and anger showed itself for the first time in my life. I smacked him several times in the face as well as spit in his face. I believe I kicked him in the ass as well. All the while hoping he would hit me back so I could really unleash my rage.  These are not things I am proud of and it does not make it right, but I also do not regret it either.

In our society, anger has generally been frowned upon. Many religious models teach us to turn the other cheek. Different cultures teach and accept varying degrees of expression of anger. Men and women may have different levels of comfort with this emotion. The result is that many of us suppress anger and others find our expressions of anger out of control.

The truth is there is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a natural response to perceived injustice, threat or humiliation, and is born of the feeling that we want something for ourselves that we cannot have. In its best incarnation, anger can promote social change. Think of the moral outrages in our history. Where would we be today if not for the rage of the American colonists, the anti-Nazi activists, the Civil Rights Movement?

Yet anger can be uncomfortable to live with, in ourselves or others. It can get us into trouble. We can be identified by others as hard to get along with. Anger can destroy important relationships. It can lead to abusiveness, either emotional or physical.

 We see anger every day. We see executives angry with bosses who don’t appreciate them and who wind up in their doctors offices with back pain, headaches, gastrointestinal pain, sleeplessness or chest pain. We see spouses who are long suffering of their partners and who deal with their anger through affairs, health problems, parent-child difficulties, staying at the office or overspending.

We see people who have grown up with such anger in their primary relationships that they have shut down their feelings, and have no emotional response for their spouses or children. We see men and women who have had physical or emotional abuse rob them of their self esteem. We see people who live by the short fuse, costing them respect, relationships and jobs.

 We need to learn to manage anger in different ways. How can we deal with anger constructively?
The first step in managing anger is to recognize it. What cues or clues can you use to identify your hidden anger? Sometimes its a good idea to keep a journal, to identify and record feelings in particular situations. 

Learning to evaluate your anger within the context of the situation allows you to reason with yourself before responding. Ask yourself: Is the perceived threat or injustice real or am I reacting for some other reason? How important is the problem? Do I have a constructive response right now? If not, I won’t act until I think of one.

Taking a break can be an effective response when you do not have a constructive response. By removing yourself from the situation that is making your blood boil, you give yourself time to cool down. When you cannot physically remove yourself try distracting yourself, deep breathing, meditation or saying “stop” to yourself.

Learn to talk about your anger. Some people spew words or become verbally abusive, rarely talking about the real cause of the anger. Others don’t have words to describe the anger and tension they feel. Being able to talk or write about the anger stops it from continuing to churn in your mind or body. Hearing or seeing the words can give you the distance to respond more constructively.

Learn to listen to a full paragraph before you respond. Many people who anger quickly don’t want to hear, so they jump on the first thing said. You may be absolutely right in your opinion, but you lose nothing by listening to the other view. You may gain some understanding, and your blood pressure will thank you.

Learn to negotiate. In our personal lives, everyone loses in dead end arguments. In business, it is desirable to create a win-win situation. Whether in business or personal life, learning to go beyond black and white thinking, paying attention to what someone else needs, and thinking outside the box are required for good faith negotiation.

Rest, Recharge, Self Soothe. People who are tired, ill or feeling overwhelmed by the demands of work or life can easily fall into angry reactions. When you are at the low end of your battery you lack capacity to deal creatively with difficult situations. If you are not ready to deal with things now, don’t. Simply state when you feel you will be up to it. Find healthy habits to help you!

Learn how to impact intimidation when you can be reasonable but must deal with a verbal abuser a condescending jerk or a rage-aholic. Once you have discovered techniques to insulate yourself from the wrath, you can be very clear about what you will and will not tolerate. Be assertive, not aggressive. State your needs clearly and politely with some acknowledgment of the other’s viewpoint.

If you have a problem controlling your anger on a daily basis, working with a therapist, counselor can help you develop specific strategies for managing anger more constructively. Working in a group can give you the support and honest feed back of individuals wrestling with similar problems. Whatever route you choose, remember learning new anger strategies and making
them part of your life take patience and practice. As for me, weight training is my release.

If You Can’t Forgive Someone, This Is What You Need to Know

Posted in Book Reviews with tags , , , , , on June 23, 2012 by sexandmiami

 

Spiritual Insight from Eckhart Tolle’s Stillness Speaks

Sometimes things are said or done between two people and the rift is so great it seems impossible to repair. The person has hurt you so much that you just can’t bring yourself to forgive what they said or did.

Of such a situation Eckhart Tolle writes in Stillness Speaks:

If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace.

This isn’t an easy realization to arrive at. If you are having difficulty forgiving someone, then The Presence Process may be invaluable to you. In The Presence Process, Michael Brown addresses our anger at being hurt, which is based in the sense that others ought to have acted differently toward us, not hurting us as they did. He says of our refusal to forgive:

Does our arrogance lead us to assume they should behave differently—that they should know better, even though we realize the impact of emotional imprinting on human behavior? Did we do any better?

It’s useful to bring into our awareness those we feel are unforgivable, so that we may examine the felt-resonance that arises when we picture these individuals and allow ourselves to feel this felt-resonance without condition.

These people are the focus of our unintegrated child’s revenge. They are the victims of our arrogance. These people are also the individuals who are assisting us in unlocking our peace of mind. Until we integrate the emotional signature that arises when we bring them into our awareness, we remain imprisoned by unintegrated emotional discomfort and its consequential mental confusion and physical reactivity.

Our ongoing anger toward them is our lack of clarity. It’s the cause of our lack of awareness of the peace already given. By not allowing ourselves to integrate these uncomfortable resonances, an aspect of our felt-perception remains sedated and controlled—and therefore unavailable to feel the peace in which we are always immersed.

There is no awareness of peace without authentic forgiveness, and there is no authentic forgiveness until we integrate the resonance that arises in us when we place our attention on those who still anger us.

Michael’s understanding of why we find it hard to forgive is worth dwelling on. Take some time to sit with it, seeing how it speaks to your own situation with regard to those you have hard feelings toward.

Forgiveness isn’t really about the other person, it’s about us. To the degree we realize how deeply we have been emotionally imprinted, we will realize that others have also been imprinted in similar ways. They can’t help themselves any more than we have been able to help ourselves, until now when we at last are ready to engage in emotional integration.

By forgiving ourselves, we automatically forgive others. When we can’t forgive, it’s because we haven’t yet truly owned our own emotional imprinting and come to a place of peace with ourselves. This is why The Presence Process is simply one of the most powerful resources available to us in our journey into a more conscious way of living.

For me this is a learning process. This is a matter of coming to terms with everything and just letting it go.  There are many factors why this is so difficult for me to do. Right now I can’t, maybe in time I will be able too. A wise person once said to me, it’s not up to you to forgive that is up to God.