Archive for cheating

Cheating Is a Choice Not a Mistake…

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2012 by sexandmiami

Relationships are difficult enough to get over without the complication of cheating thrown into the mix. This added element adds more confusion and doubts as you get over the relationship. Below are some tips on how to get over a cheating boyfriend.

Tips to Get Over Your Cheating Boyfriend

Dump Him (if you haven’t already)

A guy who cheats is someone who doesn’t really want to be with you. No matter how much he may claim he does, remember actions speak louder than words. If after dumping him you want to give him a chance to prove he deserves you go ahead, but don’t stay in the relationship as he works to show he is worth your time.

You are Not Responsible for His Actions

Often times cheaters will try to convince you that it is your fault they strayed. It’s not. They’ll try and make you think that if only you had done this, that and another that they wouldn’t be tempted to cheat. No matter what you may have done or not done you didn’t make them cheat.

Change His Name in Your Cell

When you get lonely or drunk you might find yourself tempted to call him. Don’t. To help you resist this, change his name (and maybe contact photo) to something like ‘asshole’ or ‘dickhead.’ Don’t delete his number all together that way you’ll be able to screen any calls from him. If he has something worth listening to he can leave a voicemail.

Invest in Yourself

Resist falling on the self pity wagon. Instead, spend some time making yourself feel great. Go to the gym. Spend some extra time on your hobbies. Take excessively long bubble baths with a glass of wine and a good book. Hang out with your girlfriends (who you’ve probably been neglecting a bit). Do everything you enjoy that you never had enough time for as a couple.

Remember the Bad Things

After any breakup it is easy to find yourself looking back on the relationship with rose colored glasses. Prevent this by making a list of your cheating (ex)boyfriend’s good and bad qualities. Once you are finished rip off the good side and burn or recycle it. Hang the bad list somewhere you’ll see it often, perhaps on your bathroom mirror, so you will be reminded of those negative qualities when you get lonely and start thinking he wasn’t all that bad. You deserve great, not mediocre.

Listen to Some Empowering Songs

Make a breakup recovery music mix. Include songs like  “Katy Perry Wide Awake,“ Jason Durolo Rollin Solo” and others along those same lines. Listen to this mix often and loud. Sing along at the top of your lungs and you’ll feel better every time you do.

Go Out Dancing

Grab your girlfriends and go out dancing! Ignore the boys, because the night is about just having fun. If you don’t like club dancing, try a salsa or swing club. Most have a beginner’s lesson (often complimentary) before the night begins. Plus, experienced dancers are always happy to help a beginner join in the fun.

Things You May Want to do, But Really Shouldn’t

  • Ruin his car like in “Before he cheats” by Carrie Underwood.
  • Throw all his things in a giant bonfire
  • Take out an ad in your local paper giving his name and saying he has several STDs and/or is just plain terrible in bed
  • Send awkward free informational pamphlets to his work everyday

Any of these things, or others along the same thought, are momentarily satisfactory, but will result in you sinking to his level, which is way beneath you. Be the bigger person and move on. He’s not worth your time.

Here are some signs of a  cheater:

While on the phone with a friend, they giggle/laugh and say, “You’re so crazy” frequently. Usually, after such conversation, suddenly have to run to the corner store to grab something completely unnecessary.

  • They have cheated on everyone in their past, yet insist that they are not cheating on you.
  • They tell you every detail of every single phone conversation they just had. Ex: “That was such-and-such. They were just calling to say hi, etc….”
  • Every single contact on their phone that ISN’T family is of the same gender they are. (Yes they will change the girls name to a guys name)
  • Their recent calls/messages/emails are always empty, yet they remain super busy, and when you ask about ignored calls/texts they constantly say “I never got it.” This occurring every so often isn’t bad, but every day, a few times a day is a little sketchy.
  • When getting a call/text at odd hours, usually from one of those same-gendered friends mentioned above, they say, “It’s just a friend from around the way/back home” and home is 3 hours ahead.
  • They get angry and defensive when the subject of trust comes up, even if it’s not in reference to your relationship. It usually looks a little like this: “That’s BS. You should just trust someone. If you don’t trust them completely, then you should just leave!” There are other variations, too.
  • Their phone and computer are top-secret, FBI protected and absolutely untouchable. Touching either of them is punishable by being struck down by the wrath of God.
  • The money is funny. It’s either missing, or isn’t matching up with what they’re saying.  For example, saying they’re working all these extra hours BUT have no extra money.
  • When out in public, they suddenly refuse to hold your hand or act in any way like a couple.
  • They become very particular about their appearance, changing their wardrobe, cologne/perfume, etc. ( this is another big one)
  • When arriving home, they simply say “Hello” and head straight to take a shower without a hug or kiss.

Chances are if you are suspicious to begin with, it means one of two things: You have SERIOUS trust issues, or they probably are cheating.

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Why I didn’t dump him first…and what you could learn from me.

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2012 by sexandmiami

There were many times I wanted to break-up with my ex. I almost feel like I waited for him to do it, because I didn’t have it in me to hurt him. From his woe-is-me stories, he had been bullied in school his whole life. He never had any friends and he did not have a mom growing up, and his dad never showed him much love. He also just came home from the Army after serving in Iraq for 2 years and being dishonorable discharged for something he was very evasive about. I never did learn the whole story with that. I was all he had and he told me everyday. Can you say RED FLAG. Why I didn’t run as fast as I can still amazes me. Yes my head said RUN, but my heart said take care of him, help him he needs you.

This is a top 10 list of warning signs that were there, but that I chose to overlook for some reason I can’t even explain. When I think of these things, I should have ran as fast as I can and never looked back.

#1 THE SEX SUCKED! nuff said! When you want to experiment sexually with your guy and he says “baby that’s what sluts do” about anything sexual RUN and RUN fast. No man in love or otherwise will turn down any suggestion you have for sex trust me. Unless they are gay or bi or can only get turned on by fucking couples<—(this is a whole other story not for this post.)

#2 When he has no friends BIG RED FLAG because then you are suppose to have no friends either….duh RUN.

#3 When you go to get your tire changed and they discover a GPS device under your car. “Baby I put that there in case the car gets robbed” umm ok what are you Lojack! RUN

#4 He latches on to you like a tick on a labrador. When the guy can’t be without you it’s a RED FLAG, you may think its sweet at first, but trust me you will feel suffocated eventually.

#5 When he does not like your friends and he tolerates your family RUN as fast as you can.

#6 If he checks himself out in the mirror more than you RUN girl RUN.

#7 If he compares you to anybody. As in you can’t expect me to be as attracted to you as girls my age. Umm yeah I can we do live together.RUN  RUN RUN. After this one he threw himself on the floor and begged me not to leave him insisting that was not what he said!!

#8 He lets you pay his bills for him because he lost his job and seems to be fine with your offer to do so. It’s great to be able to afford to help the person you care about, but if they seem too comfortable like it was expected, RUN girl RUN.

#9 He thinks he is better looking and smarter then everybody else. Seriously you need to wake up and just RUN fast! When a man is conceded it is such a turnoff . It’s fine to joke around or to be confident, but when they really think they are the shizz, RUN girl RUN.

#10 If you find your guy flirting online at all GRAB HIS SHIT AND THROW IS ASS OUT THE DOOR, and then RUN!! When this happened he literally slept outside the door to prove how much he loved me. He begged me not leave him and stated I am not signing the divorce papers!… umm we only live together.

There were so many RED FLAGS these are just my top 10. At the end of the day I couldn’t break his heart, so I let him break mine instead.

The best part of all of this is anyone after him, and I mean anyone has been better than him 🙂

How falling in love with a narcissist has changed me forever.

Posted in Book Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2012 by sexandmiami

Breaking up with a histrionic or narcissist? Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an emotional basket case, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding down the fort and dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks away from everything leaving you to mop off his stage and pay his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn’t possibly have ever imagined… …. and not even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he’s off charming the socks off of new women as if your years together didn’t even exist! And to him they didn’t! The narcissist has a ‘counterfeit heart’!

Narcissists tend to make very good first impressions on others. They are excellent actors and can fool almost anybody, even trained individuals. However, they have counterfeit hearts. Underneath their brilliant exterior lies a man that is self-centered and self-focused, dishonest, irresponsible, disloyal, and lacking emotions, remorse, and a conscience. These men live with a false sense of grandiosity and specialness and are easily found to be arrogant and deceitful. Underneath their fake exterior is an empty fraud who seemingly is lacking a human soul.

“Women know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship.” ~ Sharon Stone

Of course, you will never see this in the beginning of the relationship with a narcissistic man. Many women do not see any of these awful qualities until the relationship gets serious because both the narcissist and his prey tend to idolize people in the beginning of relationships.

And being idolized feels good – so good that we often willingly overlook the red flags.

Unfortunately, the narcissist is sociopathic in that they often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others (did you notice that [according to him] ALL his ‘exes’ were ‘psycho bitches’? THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAJOR RED FLAGS WAVING IN YOUR FACE FROM EVERYWHERE ON THAT ONE – BUT IT PROBABLY DIDN’T REALLY HIT YOU UNTIL ‘YOUR’ RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WAS OVER!!). (More on this later…)

See, narcissistic men haven’t the ability to see their own negative actions or the detrimental roles they play in their relationships with others. The narcissist is a deceptive man and the most common form of his deception is his own self-deception. He truly believes he is perfectly innocent of having committed any wrongdoing – ever.

He holds himself completely blameless for any part in the breakdown of your relationship (or ANY of his past relationships). Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology from this man, or even an admittance on his part of being partially to blame – for anything. He believes he has done nothing wrong, as he is just so wonderful! (At least, in his own mind.)

The narcissist doesn’t care about your problems or your feelings. He has absolutely no regard or respect for anyone’s feelings; he is completely without empathy and is never above taking advantage of others for his own personal gain. He is constantly hungry for praise and he will go on a feeding frenzy for the adoration and admiration he desperately seeks with every individual he comes in contact with. He is a legend in his own mind, and deeply living in a fantasy world built on his own imagined self-importance.

“The narcissist can neither give nor receive love. He cannot empathize with the pain and suffering of others. Although he is often incredibly charming and draws many people into his ‘enchanted circle’, the narcissist is incapable of true intimacy. At the core of his life experience, the narcissist has emotionally and often financially harmed so many. He has treated others with cruelty, ruthlessness and indifference too many times. Ultimately, in the depth of his unconscious, he knows he is an empty fraud” ~Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.

Nothing can be more painful than breaking up with a histrionic narcissistic man. He will not take it kindly – not because he will grieve the loss of you (you mean nothingto this man) but simply because you will have embarrassed him. And damaging his ego is a totally unforgivable sin to the narcissist! I’m afraid you’re about to become his next victim, so be aware of his soon-to-come character assassin of you, your family, your friends, and even your children. (Narcissistic men [they all hold an actor’s award] will say just about anything about another in order to protect their perfect ‘image’.)

Whether or not this has happened to you, it is still a very painful realization when you come to discover that you meant absolutely nothing to someone you loved very much. The realization that this man never loved you(don’t delude yourself) hurts beyond compare. It is hard to understand that a histrionic narcissist loves only himself, and, if anything, considered you more a ‘love-rival’ than a ‘lover’.

He was with you for the ‘benefits’. His benefits could have been something as simple as getting his needy ego stroked, or being taken care of financially, or maybe it was something more, like status or opportunity – but whatever his benefits, being loved by you or being in an intimate relationship with you was not one of them. What I mean to say is ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ are not considered benefits to him!

You will find that you have changed during the course of the relationship with a narcissist. You will walk away completely far removed from the beautiful woman you were when you entered it. You may have gone from soft, sweet and feminine to hardened and bitter. From trusting, open and receptive to suspicious and untrusting. From self-assured and confident to being full of self-doubt and insecurities. It will take some hard work on your part to let this damaged part of you go and find your old self again.

A NARCISSIST HAS A CALLOUS DISREGARD – FOR YOU

For most of us breaking up with a narcissist can leave us feeling confused, devastated, and untrusting of all men in the future.

Usually, when a relationship ends both parties grieve some, both parties have regrets and both parties have done things that they feel remorseful for.

But not a narcissist! He walks away from you with a cold, callous disregard. He feels nothing.

A narcissist will avoid looking at you – even if you are sitting right in front of him. This is his way of ‘dismissing’ and ‘devaluing’ you. All narcissists do this and, of course, there is nothing about these actions that are normal, but your mind can’t conceive this and so it tries to understand. However, there is no making sense of the ‘senseless’.

A narcissist can turn from loving you to discarding you almost abruptly as it took for him to ‘idolize’ you after his first meeting you. Uh, what was that? About one date would you say?

“Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue. This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the “silent treatment”), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse. ” ~ by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

The narcissist has to be NUMBER ONE, the CENTER OF ATTENTION, THE BIG CHEESE, the MAIN ATTRACTION. If he is in a situation where he fears not getting the adulation that he feels he deserves, such as with your friends or co-workers, or even in a club that you frequent (translation: your territory), he will be extremely uncomfortable, either claiming a headache, feeling ‘bad vibes’ in the place, or simply getting angry. He may insult or dismiss everyone there as ‘substandard human beings’. A narcissist cannot share his limelight with anyone, not even his spouse.

It is especially hard to let go of a relationship breakdown when you can’t find any rhyme or reason to the way it all unfolded. We think that all people are good people and can’t understand how someone could so easily just dismiss us as if we never existed.

Truth is, you didn’t exist to the narcissist. He is so totally and completely self-centered to the point of his being the only person in his life – ever. You simply were a temporary ego-boost. A narcissist supplier (an enforcer and validation of his self-love). His mirror.

You were taken in by his phony charm simply because you trusted men. And now you are left with doubts, insecurities, questions, and extreme hurt that one you cared for could so easily ‘dismiss you’ and then walk away completely unmoved and untouched by the experience.

You want him to hurt, too. To show sorrow. To feel remorse.

So that you can feel important again. Like you mattered.

But you didn’t. And it has nothing to do with you. He simply is unable to care for anyone other than himself, no matter whom they are. And deep inside you know that you have just wasted years of your life on someone who is an empty fraud. It’s like you imagined everything; nothing was real. He was a masterful actor when he was getting his ego fed; but now that he is not getting his narcissistic supply from you anymore he simply – and completely – has totally erased you from his life. It is important to remember that narcissists are ‘plotters’ and he has been plotting the destruction of the relationship since the very first moment his charming, but fake persona met you.

Expect your world to fall apart whereas his world will remain unscathed – as will his emotions. OOPS, pardon me, I made a mistake! Make that “his ‘lack of’ emotions”. Narcissistic men haven’t any empathy for others, and will never take any direct responsibility for any pain they may have caused. They will never acknowledge their wrongdoings, or apologize to you, because they truly believe themselves to be perfect. They project all their faults and flaws onto you, accusing you of the very things that they, themselves, are guilty of.

In fact, throughout your entire relationship, you probably were lead to believe that you were the problem when in actuality it was their narcissism that was at fault. You have subconsciously learned to take his attacks personally, because he is so very good at manipulating the people around him.

Narcissistic and histrionic men play on the fact that most of us are trustingand forgiving, and that we want to believe in them.

Narcissists are all about their image, and they spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting their false front, or their ‘image’. He’s forever aware of his impression on people, and he knows exactly what ‘face’ to put on to draw people into his ‘magical circle’ of followers – all with the intent to enhance his own self-exaltation.

Whatever his career, special talent, or gift may be he will spend days, weeks, months, YEARS perfecting it. If he is a lawyer there is no winning a legal argument against him. If he is a musician he will practice the same tune over and over again, each time trying to make it even more perfect than the time before. If he is a doctor he will try to out-diagnose all his colleagues. If he is a salesman, he will read every book on the market on the art of sales. Perfecting his persona for the sole purpose of gaining admiration is the only thing he holds important, and the only reward he needs.

He is an expert at even fooling himself into thinking he is larger than life and, unfortunately, the more positive the feedback he receives, the more trapped in his mirror he becomes. He would rather have adoration from complete strangers than a deep meaningful relationship with a loving partner. His image is superficial and covers up his complete lack of inner awareness. He is, quite simply, an expert fake, forever on the search for a true acceptance, but never daring enough to show his ‘real self’ for fear of not receiving it.

The sad thing is, because he feels he is loved for his fake front, he never truly feels loved for his real self, and this just further enables and encourages his narcissism.

The narcissistic mate displays many typical psychopathic characteristics. He may have falsely displayed deep emotion toward you (when he was in your good graces). In reality, he was less concerned with you than with making himself look good. In the romance department, a narcissist or a histrionic man has an uncanny ability to gain your trust and affection quickly, disarming you with his charm (i.e., “What a beautiful necklace; you have such excellent taste in jewelry“) and captivating you with his many grandiose plans (i.e., “I want to start a business with you that is something we can build together“). If he cheats on you you’ll probably find forgiveness for him – maybe even blame yourself for his infidelities – but one day when you’ve had enough, he’ll leave you with nothing but the breath-taking epiphany that your whole life with him has been a lie. He’ll also, most likely, leave you with an empty pocketbook, too. Of course, by this time he’ll already have a new ‘sucker’ under his wing, and could care less what he has done to you.

Yes, living with, loving and leaving a narcissistic man is an experience unlike any other! You are left deeply confused and weakened by the abuse.

***“My narcissist was mad at me every single day. In fact, I can’t remember even one day that he wasn’t angry, grudgeful, judgmental, and insulting.”

He wants you to pay for his inner pain, and he will do everything in his power to punish you and push you over the brink. Your mind can’t rationalize that these men are not ‘normal’, and so it tries to make sense of their behavior.

Yet, the narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his ‘false persona’ will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and – since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore – he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship.

In the end I was left feeling like a shell of a person. To think this was someone whom I lived with for 2 years and loved deeply. I will forever be changed by this experience. If he could get over on me with my New York City street sense and smarts then he could get over on anyone.  He met me when I was on top of the world. By the time he was done I had lost almost everything and everyone I loved. that was when he looked me in the face and said I do not love you anymore…. And days later was on to stalking the next girl.  This is the true facts of what I lived through and I felt compelled to share this experience to warn others. The best thing that ever happened to me was the day that sociopath left.