Archive for broken heart

And there he was……

Posted in Dating with tags , , , , , , on January 17, 2013 by sexandmiami

kiss

So you were heart-broken you had sworn off love for the rest of your life . Turned down every offer that came your way so many times that after awhile it just became the norm.

You think about it sometimes, could you do it again? Would you have it in you to give so much of yourself again with the risk of being hurt again.  The easier option is to just focus on yourself and swear off

relationships. And this is a good thing to do. As time really does help to heal the wounds of the past. That time is different for all of us but, the quicker we accept that it is over the quicker we can heal.

This is exactly what I did for a long time after going through a very bad heart-break and break-up. I just hung on to my sad story and told it over and over again to anyone who would listen to me.

I thought about it in my head, what happened, what went wrong how blind I was. I went through the grief of being so stupid how did I not see all these things was I under a spell?

I will be sure that doesn’t happen to me EVER, EVER again. So you swear off love, touch, romance of any sort. This is your defense mechanism. This way no one can ever make you feel that kind of pain again.

But eventually we are human and we all need human contact. It’s human nature. One day when you are not looking for it….Yes that is the way it always happens. You will meet someone it’s inevitable and if you are open to love…

It can be even better then it was before. Take what you have learned and use that to make sure you do not repeat the same mistakes . Be trusting with your love do not make them pay for things that your past love may have done. Have patience and don’t try to rush things too quickly to get to the stage you were at with your previous relationship. It wont happen until you have healed fully and believe in yourself .

Have confidence in yourself and believe that you deserve to have the very best. And one day you will turn around and there he or she will be 🙂

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I aint sayin he’s a gold digger…..or am I

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2012 by sexandmiami

Since the beginning of time there have always been some form of younger men preying on older women. I believe back in my younger days they used to call them gigolos now players. Well, recently since the term “Cougar” has come along (if you are over 30 it seems), the emphasis seems to be on the older woman that is prowling around for the younger man, rather than the younger man who may be trying to deceive and take advantage of the older woman. So, how does an older woman tell the difference? Let’s take a look.

First let me start out by saying, only an older woman who is sure of her self, and has a well intact self-esteem should be the only women attempting to date a younger man. This is the first step in her avoiding being taken advantage of.  Believe it or not it can be a curse when you look 15 years younger than you are because guess what you attract? You guessed it. If a women is confident and self-assured her eyes will be wide open, and she will see things clearly. This will help her separate the honest younger man who really does enjoy and want an older woman, and the one who is there for a free meal ticket.

Another important step would be to find out as much information about the younger man as possible. If he has had a lot of brief, and unsuccessful relationships with older women or any women in general, he probably isn’t a good bet. He probably quickly took what he could, and ran not walked to the nearest exit.

If the younger man seems to always be out of money, or conveniently forgetting his wallet a lot when you go out, chances are you are a meal ticket, and a meal ticket only. If he seems to hint around a lot about things he needs, along with a pathetic look of. poor me, I just can’t afford it, well you get the idea. I bet if you wait long enough his pretense of not wanting to take advantage will go right out the window. Down the road he will be more than happy to accept anything you bring his way.

If he seems to be a little bit too willing to do everything you want. In a real relationship partner’s give and take, if he is acting more like a puppy that rolls over and plays dead when you ask him, he’s probably not being honest about why he is with you. He is probably just trying to please you so he can stay around long enough to get as much as possible out of you while he can.

If there is a really big difference in your ages, a woman should start to wonder what’s up. He is either in the need for a mother, or hoping you’re going to kick the bucket before he’s to old to enjoy, your money. It’s only in rare cases that when there’s a huge age difference that the two individuals are soul mates who were just born in the wrong time. Often these couples will stay together.

When John Travolta was 23 he was very much in love with a women who was 18 years older than him . She died suddenly of cancer and he was left devastated for years and has talked of her many times, read it here http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20068072,00.html this is an example of that kind of love.

Last but not least, which is the clincher for older women, is that he is too romantic. I know you think no man could ever be to romantic, however, there’s a difference between romancing your sweetheart and drowning her false gestures. A younger man is very well aware that older women especially, like to be romanced. So, in order for him to get in your good graces and distract you from what he’s really there for, he may be so romantic, you can’t see straight. That’s exactly what he wants. He is also aware that romance is like a drug, if he gives you enough of it, you may never want to give it or him up. Ergo an older woman finds herself with a live-in Valentino she can support until the day she dies.

In the end it’s up to the older woman to keep her head, and guard her heart, so when and if that younger man comes along, she  can make a clear, and healthy decision on whether that younger man she is attracted to, is there for her, or just what she can give him! If you lose your high paying job or God-forbid get an illness even a minor one, and he is gone like the wind, well then I guess you got your answer girly!

Cheating Is a Choice Not a Mistake…

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2012 by sexandmiami

Relationships are difficult enough to get over without the complication of cheating thrown into the mix. This added element adds more confusion and doubts as you get over the relationship. Below are some tips on how to get over a cheating boyfriend.

Tips to Get Over Your Cheating Boyfriend

Dump Him (if you haven’t already)

A guy who cheats is someone who doesn’t really want to be with you. No matter how much he may claim he does, remember actions speak louder than words. If after dumping him you want to give him a chance to prove he deserves you go ahead, but don’t stay in the relationship as he works to show he is worth your time.

You are Not Responsible for His Actions

Often times cheaters will try to convince you that it is your fault they strayed. It’s not. They’ll try and make you think that if only you had done this, that and another that they wouldn’t be tempted to cheat. No matter what you may have done or not done you didn’t make them cheat.

Change His Name in Your Cell

When you get lonely or drunk you might find yourself tempted to call him. Don’t. To help you resist this, change his name (and maybe contact photo) to something like ‘asshole’ or ‘dickhead.’ Don’t delete his number all together that way you’ll be able to screen any calls from him. If he has something worth listening to he can leave a voicemail.

Invest in Yourself

Resist falling on the self pity wagon. Instead, spend some time making yourself feel great. Go to the gym. Spend some extra time on your hobbies. Take excessively long bubble baths with a glass of wine and a good book. Hang out with your girlfriends (who you’ve probably been neglecting a bit). Do everything you enjoy that you never had enough time for as a couple.

Remember the Bad Things

After any breakup it is easy to find yourself looking back on the relationship with rose colored glasses. Prevent this by making a list of your cheating (ex)boyfriend’s good and bad qualities. Once you are finished rip off the good side and burn or recycle it. Hang the bad list somewhere you’ll see it often, perhaps on your bathroom mirror, so you will be reminded of those negative qualities when you get lonely and start thinking he wasn’t all that bad. You deserve great, not mediocre.

Listen to Some Empowering Songs

Make a breakup recovery music mix. Include songs like  “Katy Perry Wide Awake,“ Jason Durolo Rollin Solo” and others along those same lines. Listen to this mix often and loud. Sing along at the top of your lungs and you’ll feel better every time you do.

Go Out Dancing

Grab your girlfriends and go out dancing! Ignore the boys, because the night is about just having fun. If you don’t like club dancing, try a salsa or swing club. Most have a beginner’s lesson (often complimentary) before the night begins. Plus, experienced dancers are always happy to help a beginner join in the fun.

Things You May Want to do, But Really Shouldn’t

  • Ruin his car like in “Before he cheats” by Carrie Underwood.
  • Throw all his things in a giant bonfire
  • Take out an ad in your local paper giving his name and saying he has several STDs and/or is just plain terrible in bed
  • Send awkward free informational pamphlets to his work everyday

Any of these things, or others along the same thought, are momentarily satisfactory, but will result in you sinking to his level, which is way beneath you. Be the bigger person and move on. He’s not worth your time.

Here are some signs of a  cheater:

While on the phone with a friend, they giggle/laugh and say, “You’re so crazy” frequently. Usually, after such conversation, suddenly have to run to the corner store to grab something completely unnecessary.

  • They have cheated on everyone in their past, yet insist that they are not cheating on you.
  • They tell you every detail of every single phone conversation they just had. Ex: “That was such-and-such. They were just calling to say hi, etc….”
  • Every single contact on their phone that ISN’T family is of the same gender they are. (Yes they will change the girls name to a guys name)
  • Their recent calls/messages/emails are always empty, yet they remain super busy, and when you ask about ignored calls/texts they constantly say “I never got it.” This occurring every so often isn’t bad, but every day, a few times a day is a little sketchy.
  • When getting a call/text at odd hours, usually from one of those same-gendered friends mentioned above, they say, “It’s just a friend from around the way/back home” and home is 3 hours ahead.
  • They get angry and defensive when the subject of trust comes up, even if it’s not in reference to your relationship. It usually looks a little like this: “That’s BS. You should just trust someone. If you don’t trust them completely, then you should just leave!” There are other variations, too.
  • Their phone and computer are top-secret, FBI protected and absolutely untouchable. Touching either of them is punishable by being struck down by the wrath of God.
  • The money is funny. It’s either missing, or isn’t matching up with what they’re saying.  For example, saying they’re working all these extra hours BUT have no extra money.
  • When out in public, they suddenly refuse to hold your hand or act in any way like a couple.
  • They become very particular about their appearance, changing their wardrobe, cologne/perfume, etc. ( this is another big one)
  • When arriving home, they simply say “Hello” and head straight to take a shower without a hug or kiss.

Chances are if you are suspicious to begin with, it means one of two things: You have SERIOUS trust issues, or they probably are cheating.

Katy Perry’s Wide Awake….The Meaning Behind The Song…..

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2012 by sexandmiami

I usually don’t do song reference post . But for anyone who as been with a sociopath this song cuts to the core.

When you are with a sociopath the beginning can be like floating on cloud 9. What comes later is like falling into hell.

Below quoted from Google.com

She was in the grip of sociopathic liar who made her feel loved but never loved her at all
and now she knows what he is and God knows what she went through. That is what this
 song is about. Been there done that. When you realize you have been in a relationship with such a creature it is like waking up on the “Concrete”.

Meaning, Main Idea, and Message of The Song

“Love is blind,” that’s what an old aphorism says. The saying means that when people fall in love they cannot see something or someone objectively. With love in mind, people can see something which is just good as perfect. Influenced by love, people will see someone who is not so beautiful as the prettiest person in the world.
Not only in terms of physical appearance, the aphorism also applies in terms of attitudes. The most obvious example is how people adore celebrities. Of course those celebrities, either singers or actresses or actors, have dark sides. But, as you can see, people seem not to care about celebrities’ dark sides. They adore them as if they are perfect. However often those celebrities are reported to behave inappropriately, people’s admiration to them seems not to subside. It happens because people love them. And love is blind.
Well, this Katy Perry’s Wide Awake song seems to tell about similar phenomenon. The phrase ‘Wide awake’ in the song represents the situation after a girl is free from blind love she previously had to her boy. In other words, when she fell in love with the boy, she felt like she was dreaming or blind. Everything seemed to be so sweet. And now she is awake, wide awake. She is not dreaming anymore. Yes, everything doesn’t look beautiful as it was. Situation is not as comfortable as it was. She realizes she was with a sociopath who lied and felt no emotion, and it hurts badly to know that everything was beautiful just because she was dreaming. Worse, she had dreamed for so long. Waste of time. But, the most important thing is that she is awake and trying to hold on and to see the bright side of everything she has been through.
What Katy shows us with this song, if you get the meaning, is that sociopaths walk among us. There are famous ones too. But also that the pain of experiencing a relationship with one hurts all the same, and is life changing . Money and fame can’t even take away the pain. When it hits you it’s kind of like falling from a cloud and hitting the concrete.
WIDE AWAKE- Katy Perry
I’m wide awake (x3) Yeah, I was in the dark I was falling hard With an open heart I’m wide awake How did I read the stars so wrong
I’m wide awake And now it’s clear to me That everything you see Ain’t always what it seems I’m wide awake Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
(Pre-Chorus) I wish I knew then What I know now Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts You made it so sweet Till I woke up on On the concrete
(Chorus)
 Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight (Yeah I’m) Falling from cloud 9 .  I’m wide awake Not losing any sleep I picked up every piece And landed on my feet I’m wide awake Need nothing to complete myself – nooohooo
I’m wide awake Yeah, I am born again Outta the lion’s den I don’t have to pretend And it’s too late The story’s over now, the end
(Pre-Chorus) I wish I knew then What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts You made it so sweet Till I woke up on On the concrete
(Chorus) Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight I’m Falling from cloud 9
Thunder rumbling Castles crumbling I am trying to hold on God knows that I tried Seeing the bright side I’m not blind anymore
(Chorus) Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high (Ya’ know) I’m letting go tonight I’m falling from cloud 9
 I’m wide awake (x5)

Why I didn’t dump him first…and what you could learn from me.

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2012 by sexandmiami

There were many times I wanted to break-up with my ex. I almost feel like I waited for him to do it, because I didn’t have it in me to hurt him. From his woe-is-me stories, he had been bullied in school his whole life. He never had any friends and he did not have a mom growing up, and his dad never showed him much love. He also just came home from the Army after serving in Iraq for 2 years and being dishonorable discharged for something he was very evasive about. I never did learn the whole story with that. I was all he had and he told me everyday. Can you say RED FLAG. Why I didn’t run as fast as I can still amazes me. Yes my head said RUN, but my heart said take care of him, help him he needs you.

This is a top 10 list of warning signs that were there, but that I chose to overlook for some reason I can’t even explain. When I think of these things, I should have ran as fast as I can and never looked back.

#1 THE SEX SUCKED! nuff said! When you want to experiment sexually with your guy and he says “baby that’s what sluts do” about anything sexual RUN and RUN fast. No man in love or otherwise will turn down any suggestion you have for sex trust me. Unless they are gay or bi or can only get turned on by fucking couples<—(this is a whole other story not for this post.)

#2 When he has no friends BIG RED FLAG because then you are suppose to have no friends either….duh RUN.

#3 When you go to get your tire changed and they discover a GPS device under your car. “Baby I put that there in case the car gets robbed” umm ok what are you Lojack! RUN

#4 He latches on to you like a tick on a labrador. When the guy can’t be without you it’s a RED FLAG, you may think its sweet at first, but trust me you will feel suffocated eventually.

#5 When he does not like your friends and he tolerates your family RUN as fast as you can.

#6 If he checks himself out in the mirror more than you RUN girl RUN.

#7 If he compares you to anybody. As in you can’t expect me to be as attracted to you as girls my age. Umm yeah I can we do live together.RUN  RUN RUN. After this one he threw himself on the floor and begged me not to leave him insisting that was not what he said!!

#8 He lets you pay his bills for him because he lost his job and seems to be fine with your offer to do so. It’s great to be able to afford to help the person you care about, but if they seem too comfortable like it was expected, RUN girl RUN.

#9 He thinks he is better looking and smarter then everybody else. Seriously you need to wake up and just RUN fast! When a man is conceded it is such a turnoff . It’s fine to joke around or to be confident, but when they really think they are the shizz, RUN girl RUN.

#10 If you find your guy flirting online at all GRAB HIS SHIT AND THROW IS ASS OUT THE DOOR, and then RUN!! When this happened he literally slept outside the door to prove how much he loved me. He begged me not leave him and stated I am not signing the divorce papers!… umm we only live together.

There were so many RED FLAGS these are just my top 10. At the end of the day I couldn’t break his heart, so I let him break mine instead.

The best part of all of this is anyone after him, and I mean anyone has been better than him 🙂

Don’t ever let yourself be used…..

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , on September 15, 2012 by sexandmiami

“Sometimes we want someone so badly that even though we know they are using us we can’t let them go. I can’t explain why”

Do you know what it feels like to be happy and sad at the same time? To be so in love with someone and at the same time know that they are not true, but you are so in love with them and just can’t bring yourself to leave them. So you stay and let them pretend they love you . Then when you are alone you cry in silence. You go out with your friends and you smile on the outside or you may drink too much hoping to numb the truth for a little while, knowing that you are going home to a lie. And every time he tells you how much he loves you the pain just stops your heart because you know deep down it’s all a lie.

If only you could accept the truth it will set you free.

You go through the motions everyday pretending to be a happy couple and in love . Only you know all along its only a lie. You cry yourself to sleep every night pretending to be  happy, because you have nowhere to go so your waiting for them to show their true self all the while hoping it will never happen, that if you can just be perfect he will really love you. Be perfect in every way shape and form. He doesn’t realize that you can see through him so he goes on pretending. You see, you have something he needs or wants and when he doesn’t need it anymore he will be gone and never look at you again . Because the user doesnt need YOU  he needs what you have.  You can be gone tomorrow and he wouldn’t give two shits. Its not about you. It’s about what he needs from you what he is using you for. It could be money or a car or a roof over his head or sex. So please don’t ever let this happen to you. Be smart about who you give your heart to…and who you trust with it.

Listen to your in inner voice it is there for you when you are blinded

The user is typically extremely charming or good-looking . Even if you are hot too, remember it’s not about you, it’s about what they can get from you. Do not ever give into lust over your gut feelings. If you feel it isn’t real it is because it isn’t . When the red flags are there do not just ignore them, because in the end what you will go through will be much more painful than you being with someone just because you want them and they need your possessions. They do not WANT you, they just need what you can do for them and what you can give to them.

You will become so disgusted by the lie eventually you will be repulsed by their presence

Be strong, value yourself, know that you ARE beautiful and deserve a real true love. Someone who will love you no matter what you can do for them . If you gain a few pounds if you don’t feel like wearing makeup and if you want to wear sweats everyday and a pony-tail and he still thinks you are beautiful. That will take care of you when are sick and not leave your side until you are well again mentally or physically. That is real love. When your world comes crumbling down. The person who is by your side picking up the pieces with you is the one who loves you. The one who leaves and wipes the crumbled pieces from his feet as he walks out, that is the person who just used you.

This is the moment when you realize everything you have thought about was true! All the times you told yourself is it in my head? You were right about everything. It was all a lie.

Love and Anxiety…

Posted in Book Reviews with tags , , , , , on September 5, 2012 by sexandmiami


A recent post from a friend and fellow blogger got me thinking about this topic. I remember when I started to feel anxiety in my last relationship. This was the 1st time I had opened up to someone completely and loved unconditionally. It was after the trust was broken with lies and deceit that I had my 1st panic attack. When the person that I put my trust and faith in betrayed me I felt scared and alone for the 1st time in my life, and it just got worse . My panic attacks continued for over a year after it ended.
I often wonder how will this affect me in my future relationships. Will I be able to trust again when I can’t even bring myself to date?
Until we bring awareness to our relationships, most of us live in love’s comfort zone — close enough to take the edge off loneliness, and distant enough to preserve our sense of being able to live without the other person. The tragedy is that many people who love each other are unable to express that love fully because they are unaware of how anxiety throttles and distorts their love. They feel, but not too deeply; they hold back, unable to make the final commitment. Yet those who protect themselves from the loss of love by blocking out love are already suffering from what they most dread. Forgoing love in the present out of anxiety about losing it in the future is a fool’s bargain.

At the extreme, unconscious anxiety can even turn love to hate. When one wants another and feels unworthy or unable to win their love, or fears being manipulated and hurt, anxiety can distort love into either hate or indifference. Hate is injured love, and it may be inflamed through anger into violence. Indifference is injured love retreating into numb withdrawal.

How can we respond to the anxiety that love provokes — to this deep dread of abandonment? The answer is not to love less, but to love more. Although the object of our love can be taken away, our ability to love can never be lost or taken from us. And if our ultimate love object includes the source of life itself, no one can ever take away the object of our love. The path to serenity is to love so much, so deeply and so unconditionally that we can never be without love. We can let the love of a spouse or a child or a parent expand far beyond our past self-imposed limits. We can let love become a reflex, a habit, an impulse that cannot be denied. Just as the answer to anxiety in general is not less anxiety, but greater and more meaningful anxiety, the answer to our anxiety about love is not less love but more love and greater love.

Anxiety is love’s limit, but not its enemy. Our anxiety guides us to the edge of our love. Our task is to keep changing anxiety into love — to have the courage to love passionately, universally and eternally. I believe if I keep practicing this and saying it over and over when I am ready the universe will grant me my best relationship ever.