5 Ways People Can Be Emotionally Unavailable

Posted in Book Reviews, Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , on September 1, 2013 by sexandmiami


                 One thing all emotionally unavailable people have in  common is their compulsive avoidance of intimacy while they are constantly searching  for an intimate relationship. Although some emotionally unavailable people can  be very clear and honest about their intentions and their history, a lot of them  are not. Pretty much all of them will give you mixed signals and confusing  messages.
Eggs in many baskets type- is so terrified of being in love and  loosing personal power, he chooses to be in several non-committal relationships  at the same time. These people literally view the idea of a monogamous  relationship as putting all their eggs in one basket. They often seem to have no  problems with their lifestyles justifying their behavior by saying “Well you  can’t have it all in one person” and they don’t really get involved with anyone.  They introduce their partners as friends as they don’t like using the word  girlfriend. They swear they are not the marrying kind, although they typically  do get married at least once in their lifetime. Many times the “eggs in many  baskets” type will actually terminate the relationship if they feel like they  are falling for the person. This compulsive behavior is usually a result of a  severe heartbreak and it is more typical for men than women.
Involved  with another type -is someone who is either physically or emotionally involved  with someone who doesn’t meet all their needs. As a result they become involved  with another to compensate for what they’re missing. This type of behavior is  typical for both men and women. An involved with another type doesn’t see  herself as being emotionally unavailable as she strongly believes that if the  man she is in love with only loved her back and given her everything she needed,  she wouldn’t be going around looking for love elsewhere.
The lurker type.-  A lurker will tell you that he loves dating and meeting new people and actually  mean it. This person is driven by the fear of letting their soul mate slip by  and is always on the lookout for that special someone, while never settling for  anyone in particular. Ironically, lurkers don’t have a slightest clue of what  they’re looking for, but they will consider any candidate that comes into the  picture, never ending that search for something that doesn’t exist. Sadly, many  times these people will actually lose the love of their lives and realize it  when it’s too late.
Serial monogamist- is similar to the lurker in a way  that he/she too searches for the ideal person as opposed to a real person.  Unlike lurkers, serial monogamists don’t like dating, most of them rush into a  relationship after the first week or two into their dating period, then stay in  it exclusively until the romantic “honey moon” stage is over. In their  relationships serial monogamists are more interested in how you make them feel  rather than you. When these people are looking for a relationship, they look for  someone who falls for them rather than someone they are falling for as being  adored by another is what turns them on and makes them feel secure. For them,  the idea of intimacy is the intense rush of hormones, romance and strong sexual  chemistry. For a short while they are blinded by hormones and seriously believe  that you are the only one for them. They will promise you the world, they will  tell you they love you with all their hearts and then leave you heartlessly when  the hormonal rush wares off only a few months later. These people are simply  incapable of dealing with the reality of a relationship, in many cases they  don’t even know the person they get into a relationship with.
The Avoidant- is  the most widespread emotionally unavailable type that sometimes can be hard to  pinpoint as there are so many different types of avoidants. An avoidant may get  into a relationship and stay there for many years, or stay away from all  personal relationships and dating altogether for long periods of time. They may  avoid all sexual contacts for months or even years, then go on a binge of one  night stands. Avoidants are typically introverted and in some extreme cases can  become antisocial. They are typically very honest and rarely cheat or play, yet  it is not uncommon for an avoidant to live a secret life no one knows about.  These people can be very damaging to themselves and the ones they get close  with. They avoid intimacy by building walls around themselves and energetically  pushing people away whenever they get too uncomfortable in a relationship. They  avoid conflicts and confrontations at all possible costs, ignoring the obvious  problems and red flags. Sometimes when confronted they can even become  aggressive and violent, though most avoidants are passive-aggressive. They often  use drugs, alcohol, pornography, video games, TV and many other addictions to  keep themselves cut out of the reality of their own lives and lives of those  they get involved with.
Nobody really falls into a stereotype one hundred  percent, and, of course, there is a degree of emotional unavailability.  Typically people become emotionally unavailable because of a heartbreak they had  to survive in their past. The good news is that every EU person can recover from  their destructive relationship patterns if he or she is willing to do so. But  that can only happen if they do it on their own.

And there he was……

Posted in Dating with tags , , , , , , on January 17, 2013 by sexandmiami


So you were heart-broken you had sworn off love for the rest of your life . Turned down every offer that came your way so many times that after awhile it just became the norm.

You think about it sometimes, could you do it again? Would you have it in you to give so much of yourself again with the risk of being hurt again.  The easier option is to just focus on yourself and swear off

relationships. And this is a good thing to do. As time really does help to heal the wounds of the past. That time is different for all of us but, the quicker we accept that it is over the quicker we can heal.

This is exactly what I did for a long time after going through a very bad heart-break and break-up. I just hung on to my sad story and told it over and over again to anyone who would listen to me.

I thought about it in my head, what happened, what went wrong how blind I was. I went through the grief of being so stupid how did I not see all these things was I under a spell?

I will be sure that doesn’t happen to me EVER, EVER again. So you swear off love, touch, romance of any sort. This is your defense mechanism. This way no one can ever make you feel that kind of pain again.

But eventually we are human and we all need human contact. It’s human nature. One day when you are not looking for it….Yes that is the way it always happens. You will meet someone it’s inevitable and if you are open to love…

It can be even better then it was before. Take what you have learned and use that to make sure you do not repeat the same mistakes . Be trusting with your love do not make them pay for things that your past love may have done. Have patience and don’t try to rush things too quickly to get to the stage you were at with your previous relationship. It wont happen until you have healed fully and believe in yourself .

Have confidence in yourself and believe that you deserve to have the very best. And one day you will turn around and there he or she will be🙂

I aint sayin he’s a gold digger…..or am I

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2012 by sexandmiami

Since the beginning of time there have always been some form of younger men preying on older women. I believe back in my younger days they used to call them gigolos now players. Well, recently since the term “Cougar” has come along (if you are over 30 it seems), the emphasis seems to be on the older woman that is prowling around for the younger man, rather than the younger man who may be trying to deceive and take advantage of the older woman. So, how does an older woman tell the difference? Let’s take a look.

First let me start out by saying, only an older woman who is sure of her self, and has a well intact self-esteem should be the only women attempting to date a younger man. This is the first step in her avoiding being taken advantage of.  Believe it or not it can be a curse when you look 15 years younger than you are because guess what you attract? You guessed it. If a women is confident and self-assured her eyes will be wide open, and she will see things clearly. This will help her separate the honest younger man who really does enjoy and want an older woman, and the one who is there for a free meal ticket.

Another important step would be to find out as much information about the younger man as possible. If he has had a lot of brief, and unsuccessful relationships with older women or any women in general, he probably isn’t a good bet. He probably quickly took what he could, and ran not walked to the nearest exit.

If the younger man seems to always be out of money, or conveniently forgetting his wallet a lot when you go out, chances are you are a meal ticket, and a meal ticket only. If he seems to hint around a lot about things he needs, along with a pathetic look of. poor me, I just can’t afford it, well you get the idea. I bet if you wait long enough his pretense of not wanting to take advantage will go right out the window. Down the road he will be more than happy to accept anything you bring his way.

If he seems to be a little bit too willing to do everything you want. In a real relationship partner’s give and take, if he is acting more like a puppy that rolls over and plays dead when you ask him, he’s probably not being honest about why he is with you. He is probably just trying to please you so he can stay around long enough to get as much as possible out of you while he can.

If there is a really big difference in your ages, a woman should start to wonder what’s up. He is either in the need for a mother, or hoping you’re going to kick the bucket before he’s to old to enjoy, your money. It’s only in rare cases that when there’s a huge age difference that the two individuals are soul mates who were just born in the wrong time. Often these couples will stay together.

When John Travolta was 23 he was very much in love with a women who was 18 years older than him . She died suddenly of cancer and he was left devastated for years and has talked of her many times, read it here http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20068072,00.html this is an example of that kind of love.

Last but not least, which is the clincher for older women, is that he is too romantic. I know you think no man could ever be to romantic, however, there’s a difference between romancing your sweetheart and drowning her false gestures. A younger man is very well aware that older women especially, like to be romanced. So, in order for him to get in your good graces and distract you from what he’s really there for, he may be so romantic, you can’t see straight. That’s exactly what he wants. He is also aware that romance is like a drug, if he gives you enough of it, you may never want to give it or him up. Ergo an older woman finds herself with a live-in Valentino she can support until the day she dies.

In the end it’s up to the older woman to keep her head, and guard her heart, so when and if that younger man comes along, she  can make a clear, and healthy decision on whether that younger man she is attracted to, is there for her, or just what she can give him! If you lose your high paying job or God-forbid get an illness even a minor one, and he is gone like the wind, well then I guess you got your answer girly!

Online Dating Infographic…

Posted in Dating with tags , , , , , on October 25, 2012 by sexandmiami

Some interesting statistics. In the world of online dating. Dating statistics offer very clear evidence that the digital dating trend is still on the rise. The real question remains however: “Does online dating really work?

The best way to answer this question is to take a broad look at online dating statistics and see how successful others have been in beginning romantic relationships online. Personally I would take meeting organically or by chance any day over online..but that is just me I need to have a chemistry immediately that online dating can  never give me.  I do not know anyone who has anything good to say about online dating. Both men and women say it is just for the hook-up. I think when online dating 1st became popular around 7-10 years ago, it was taken much more seriously than it is today. Now it is just a free for all of sex freaks and guys and some girls looking for a booty call. This seems to be everyone who I ask about it who has actually done it. Some of them say I had to just get off of it for awhile. Like it’s an addiction which I think it can be.  What are your thoughts on this topic?

Lets make some Italian stuffed rice balls..yumm

Posted in Dating with tags , , , on October 21, 2012 by sexandmiami

Every now and then I like to share some of my Italian upbringing with some home cooking recipes.  These originated in the southern part of Sicily where my family is from and were a regular sunday treat growing up. Today my family was craving rice balls which are easily found in many Italian deli’s and Pizzerias in New york city..Not in Miami Beach. Not a rice ball to be found. However nothing is as good as homemade. So please enjoy the below instructions.

The stuffing
¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 pound ground beef
½ cup onion, chopped
14 ounce can Italian plum tomatoes, crushed
1 teaspoon tomato paste
1 cup fresh peas, or frozen peas

salt & pepper to your taste.

5 cups chicken stock, canned reduced-sodium chicken broth or water
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 cups white rice
4 large eggs
2 cups Pecorino Romano, grated


3 eggs
2 cups fine dry breadcrumbs with 1 cup locatelli parmesan cheese
⅔ cup canola  oil to fry

have a fun Italian Sunday : )

In a large saute pan, saute the onion until soft add meat until it is brown then add remaining ingredients and simmer for another 8-10 mins on med heat.

While the meat is cooling, make the rice. Bring the stock or water and 2 tablespoons olive oil to a boil in a 3-quart saucepan. Stir in the rice, return the water to a boil, then adjust the heat to simmering. Cook the rice uncovered, until done. put in a large bowl to cool to room temperature. When the rice is cool, scrape it into a mixing bowl and beat in the 4 eggs and the grated cheese.

Take a handful of the cooled rice mixture and shape it into a small ball in the palm of your hand. Make a well in the center of the ball with your finger and drop in about a spoonful of the meat mixture. Work the rice so that it completely encloses the meat, and re-form the rice into a smooth ball.

Beat the eggs in a mixing bowl.  Have the breadcrumb mixture on a flat plate

Roll the rice balls in the beaten egg to coat, allowing any excess egg to drip back into the bowl. Finally, roll the rice balls in the bread crumbs, pressing lightly to coat evenly with the crumbs.. Remove to a clean baking sheet. Repeat with the remaining rice balls.

When the oil comes to temperature, carefully slip about a third of the rice balls into the oil. Fry, turning as necessary with tongs or a slotted spoon, until golden brown and crisp on all sides, about 4 minutes. Remove to the paper towel-lined baking sheet, keeping them hot in the oven if you like. Fry the remaining balls.

I hope you enjoy these with the people you love also.♥♥♥

Cheating Is a Choice Not a Mistake…

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2012 by sexandmiami

Relationships are difficult enough to get over without the complication of cheating thrown into the mix. This added element adds more confusion and doubts as you get over the relationship. Below are some tips on how to get over a cheating boyfriend.

Tips to Get Over Your Cheating Boyfriend

Dump Him (if you haven’t already)

A guy who cheats is someone who doesn’t really want to be with you. No matter how much he may claim he does, remember actions speak louder than words. If after dumping him you want to give him a chance to prove he deserves you go ahead, but don’t stay in the relationship as he works to show he is worth your time.

You are Not Responsible for His Actions

Often times cheaters will try to convince you that it is your fault they strayed. It’s not. They’ll try and make you think that if only you had done this, that and another that they wouldn’t be tempted to cheat. No matter what you may have done or not done you didn’t make them cheat.

Change His Name in Your Cell

When you get lonely or drunk you might find yourself tempted to call him. Don’t. To help you resist this, change his name (and maybe contact photo) to something like ‘asshole’ or ‘dickhead.’ Don’t delete his number all together that way you’ll be able to screen any calls from him. If he has something worth listening to he can leave a voicemail.

Invest in Yourself

Resist falling on the self pity wagon. Instead, spend some time making yourself feel great. Go to the gym. Spend some extra time on your hobbies. Take excessively long bubble baths with a glass of wine and a good book. Hang out with your girlfriends (who you’ve probably been neglecting a bit). Do everything you enjoy that you never had enough time for as a couple.

Remember the Bad Things

After any breakup it is easy to find yourself looking back on the relationship with rose colored glasses. Prevent this by making a list of your cheating (ex)boyfriend’s good and bad qualities. Once you are finished rip off the good side and burn or recycle it. Hang the bad list somewhere you’ll see it often, perhaps on your bathroom mirror, so you will be reminded of those negative qualities when you get lonely and start thinking he wasn’t all that bad. You deserve great, not mediocre.

Listen to Some Empowering Songs

Make a breakup recovery music mix. Include songs like  “Katy Perry Wide Awake,“ Jason Durolo Rollin Solo” and others along those same lines. Listen to this mix often and loud. Sing along at the top of your lungs and you’ll feel better every time you do.

Go Out Dancing

Grab your girlfriends and go out dancing! Ignore the boys, because the night is about just having fun. If you don’t like club dancing, try a salsa or swing club. Most have a beginner’s lesson (often complimentary) before the night begins. Plus, experienced dancers are always happy to help a beginner join in the fun.

Things You May Want to do, But Really Shouldn’t

  • Ruin his car like in “Before he cheats” by Carrie Underwood.
  • Throw all his things in a giant bonfire
  • Take out an ad in your local paper giving his name and saying he has several STDs and/or is just plain terrible in bed
  • Send awkward free informational pamphlets to his work everyday

Any of these things, or others along the same thought, are momentarily satisfactory, but will result in you sinking to his level, which is way beneath you. Be the bigger person and move on. He’s not worth your time.

Here are some signs of a  cheater:

While on the phone with a friend, they giggle/laugh and say, “You’re so crazy” frequently. Usually, after such conversation, suddenly have to run to the corner store to grab something completely unnecessary.

  • They have cheated on everyone in their past, yet insist that they are not cheating on you.
  • They tell you every detail of every single phone conversation they just had. Ex: “That was such-and-such. They were just calling to say hi, etc….”
  • Every single contact on their phone that ISN’T family is of the same gender they are. (Yes they will change the girls name to a guys name)
  • Their recent calls/messages/emails are always empty, yet they remain super busy, and when you ask about ignored calls/texts they constantly say “I never got it.” This occurring every so often isn’t bad, but every day, a few times a day is a little sketchy.
  • When getting a call/text at odd hours, usually from one of those same-gendered friends mentioned above, they say, “It’s just a friend from around the way/back home” and home is 3 hours ahead.
  • They get angry and defensive when the subject of trust comes up, even if it’s not in reference to your relationship. It usually looks a little like this: “That’s BS. You should just trust someone. If you don’t trust them completely, then you should just leave!” There are other variations, too.
  • Their phone and computer are top-secret, FBI protected and absolutely untouchable. Touching either of them is punishable by being struck down by the wrath of God.
  • The money is funny. It’s either missing, or isn’t matching up with what they’re saying.  For example, saying they’re working all these extra hours BUT have no extra money.
  • When out in public, they suddenly refuse to hold your hand or act in any way like a couple.
  • They become very particular about their appearance, changing their wardrobe, cologne/perfume, etc. ( this is another big one)
  • When arriving home, they simply say “Hello” and head straight to take a shower without a hug or kiss.

Chances are if you are suspicious to begin with, it means one of two things: You have SERIOUS trust issues, or they probably are cheating.

Katy Perry’s Wide Awake….The Meaning Behind The Song…..

Posted in Dating, Love Hate, Narcissist/Sociopath with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2012 by sexandmiami

I usually don’t do song reference post . But for anyone who as been with a sociopath this song cuts to the core.

When you are with a sociopath the beginning can be like floating on cloud 9. What comes later is like falling into hell.

Below quoted from Google.com

She was in the grip of sociopathic liar who made her feel loved but never loved her at all
and now she knows what he is and God knows what she went through. That is what this
 song is about. Been there done that. When you realize you have been in a relationship with such a creature it is like waking up on the “Concrete”.

Meaning, Main Idea, and Message of The Song

“Love is blind,” that’s what an old aphorism says. The saying means that when people fall in love they cannot see something or someone objectively. With love in mind, people can see something which is just good as perfect. Influenced by love, people will see someone who is not so beautiful as the prettiest person in the world.
Not only in terms of physical appearance, the aphorism also applies in terms of attitudes. The most obvious example is how people adore celebrities. Of course those celebrities, either singers or actresses or actors, have dark sides. But, as you can see, people seem not to care about celebrities’ dark sides. They adore them as if they are perfect. However often those celebrities are reported to behave inappropriately, people’s admiration to them seems not to subside. It happens because people love them. And love is blind.
Well, this Katy Perry’s Wide Awake song seems to tell about similar phenomenon. The phrase ‘Wide awake’ in the song represents the situation after a girl is free from blind love she previously had to her boy. In other words, when she fell in love with the boy, she felt like she was dreaming or blind. Everything seemed to be so sweet. And now she is awake, wide awake. She is not dreaming anymore. Yes, everything doesn’t look beautiful as it was. Situation is not as comfortable as it was. She realizes she was with a sociopath who lied and felt no emotion, and it hurts badly to know that everything was beautiful just because she was dreaming. Worse, she had dreamed for so long. Waste of time. But, the most important thing is that she is awake and trying to hold on and to see the bright side of everything she has been through.
What Katy shows us with this song, if you get the meaning, is that sociopaths walk among us. There are famous ones too. But also that the pain of experiencing a relationship with one hurts all the same, and is life changing . Money and fame can’t even take away the pain. When it hits you it’s kind of like falling from a cloud and hitting the concrete.
WIDE AWAKE- Katy Perry
I’m wide awake (x3) Yeah, I was in the dark I was falling hard With an open heart I’m wide awake How did I read the stars so wrong
I’m wide awake And now it’s clear to me That everything you see Ain’t always what it seems I’m wide awake Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
(Pre-Chorus) I wish I knew then What I know now Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts You made it so sweet Till I woke up on On the concrete
 Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight (Yeah I’m) Falling from cloud 9 .  I’m wide awake Not losing any sleep I picked up every piece And landed on my feet I’m wide awake Need nothing to complete myself – nooohooo
I’m wide awake Yeah, I am born again Outta the lion’s den I don’t have to pretend And it’s too late The story’s over now, the end
(Pre-Chorus) I wish I knew then What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts You made it so sweet Till I woke up on On the concrete
(Chorus) Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight I’m Falling from cloud 9
Thunder rumbling Castles crumbling I am trying to hold on God knows that I tried Seeing the bright side I’m not blind anymore
(Chorus) Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high (Ya’ know) I’m letting go tonight I’m falling from cloud 9
 I’m wide awake (x5)