The heartbreak Box
I find this box today while I was still unpacking a year after I moved. I moved to Miami Beach a year ago to get away from running into and seeing the ex all the time. Believe it or not Fort Lauderdale is a world away from South Beach even if its only half an hour by car. When I opened the box I just sat on the floor and couldn’t move for a while . Once again frozen in pain. All the books he bought for me because we both loved to read. My ministry of sound CD that he got me for our anniversary that year because I was a deejay and love house music. A tarnished heart-shaped mood ring and a pink glitter santa hat because I love pink, glitter and christmas. 2 coffee mugs 3 glow stars I saved from the closet he made me that glowed in the dark and we would lay there for hours listening to music and making love and just to feel closer to each other. The memories come right back. In the kitchen we just moved into our house the one we got together. In the kitchen no TV or radio yet still unpacking and we start slow dancing and he is singing to me Snow Patrol (I think)and I see him so clearly and I loved him so much and he looks at me as I go on my tippy toes to kiss him and bends down to kiss me always making fun of him being so much taller than me. As I looked into his blue eyes and him mine “baby do you think anyone is as happy as we are right now” I say “ I hope so babe”.
And once again im paralyzed in pain, a crushing pain that actually hurts your heart. So this is heart-break. I use to think it would kill me because it felt physical at onetime. I look in the mirror and see ugly again. I start the mental torture you’re so ugly that’s why he left you. Because you let yourself go, you are older you don’t deserve to be with anyone. Now I just sob and then it goes away again for the 1000th time since we broke-up and I saw the real him . These memories so many and the ones that haunt me in my dreams. Will it ever go away? Why did he have to pretend to be the perfect guy for me. Even though he was a sociopath and a liar can a real man, a true man ever make me feel the way he did? No man had up till him which is why I thought he was the one. I hate these days though they are coming less and less now. Can I part with this box I just found? Its pretty much the last of it. I havent seen it since the townhouse it was never unpacked from the break-up. Is it better to just put it in the trash? Shut off “the Notebook” in my head and just remember he’s not Noah and you weren’t Ali. Remember what he really was… A fake. Dont fantasize about a soul-mate that never existed don’t let it consume me again you’re doing so well. Stay focused and remember, remember but do not let it consume you . I will keep telling myself this until the pain subsides.
Then I will pray for god to please make it stop and send me someone real. I pray he will never email me again to tell me that he still loves me and how I was his soul-mate and ruined it. At the same time wishing me well never once ever showing grief for losing me or losing us. Never ever asking to see me even for a cup of coffee or a talk, nothing . And I want to know do you feel alive without me? And I want to know do you laugh the way I made you laugh? Do you ever miss me? Oops I’m doing it again . Umm..I forget sometimes it wasnt real. Remember its okay to remember . The pain will pass.
April 12, 2012 at 9:54 pm
It will subside. I am able to look at “our” Paris pictures without thinking about the fantasy I once thought I lost. But I was always real. All of my feelings were real. So, knowing this, I feel good about the good times but don’t long for them anymore. I would never wish my ex on my worst enemy, but I know that my love was real and I won’t let my memories be tarnished by his deceit. I usually look at the Paris pictures and think, “I loved so much about this trip.” I remember mostly what I saw and how I felt. I don’t remember specific conversations but do remember being abandoned by him one afternoon while it poured down rain, and being made to feel stupid one morning because I cried about missing my son, and being dragged everywhere HE wanted to go. But I learned to push those bad things aside. I don’t want to regret loving someone. I did nothing wrong in loving him. You did nothing wrong in loving him, either.
April 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm
You are right Paula i did nothing wrong in believing someone loved me that way. The most horrific thing for me was when he was done with me it was like an impostor had taken over his body. He actually transformed in front of me. posture, body language, speech, everything he was just somebody i had never met before. and i was somebody that didn’t exist to him. Normally when people breakup there is some sorrow even if you did the breaking up. But with him it was oneday baby you are the love of my life and the next i didn’t even exist. i was made to feel like a psycho for being in love with him like i did something wrong. it was just life changing and the scariest thing i have ever gone through.